I grew up reading dystopian fiction. It did nothing to prepare me to be living in one. I loved it because it was escapism but relatable enough to my reality.
Like many Harry Potter fans, the epilogue broke my heart. I knew that this was not how wars turned out. This is not how life wears on people. There isn’t just a clear cut ending with everybody living in peace.
Trauma, war, and dystopia connect to the same feelings and circumstances: grief, depression, addiction, PTSD, anger, disassociation, loneliness, abandonment, irregular attachment, mental illness, loss, despair, and resilience.
I’ve read of kingdoms falling, of citizens dissolved into sides and divided into factions, of heartbreak and loss, of revolution, and of despair.
I’ve spent most of my life dreaming of dying and a few years trying. Battling to survive while trying to die is nothing new to me. The despair, loneliness, and isolation have been my constant companions.
This year has slowly evolved from the best I’ve ever felt, to accepting a new normal, to leaving me more than two steps backward. I worked hard to prepare for my future and to plan one after so many years of not wanting one.
The end of this year truly feels like the lowest and the most barren.
How did we find ourselves here?
How do we make sure we can leave again?
Hope this finds you well,
-L
Sight Unseen 