sight_unseen
1. Adults are not to be trusted
2. Pain is not temporary
3. Selfishness and selflessness can overlap
4. Nobody truly sees children
5. Sleep is not restful
6. Reading can be like running away.
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Hope this finds you well,
-L
Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
From where I stand, the future looks nothing but daunting. It’s hard to remember the good at the end of such a terrible year. Each disappointment and struggle seems like a heavy stone in the backpack of life that I insist on carrying around.
The weight has pulled me off the podium I stood on at the start of the year and dragged me to where I teeter on the edge. Will I be just one more casualty of this year? It seems more appropriate to close my eyes for good when it’s still a terrible year, instead of souring a new one.
People are looking toward 2021 with hope, so much hope. All I feel is dread. Once the new year starts, my life has nothing left for me to do but to be tugged along with the passing of time. I have a degree, a license, a job, a life, and a home. I’ve lived so much life in these years, I don’t feel accomplished, I just feel old.
My friends are all moving on. They have their own lives. They have relationships, pets, children, homes, and triumphs. They look forward to adventures, to new beginnings, and to a future. Joy and love fill their lives with so much colour. I’m glad for them and envious at the same time.
I can’t feel the colour in my life anymore. I’ve learned how to avoid disappointment by avoiding expectations and hope. Each day is a consistent defeat in itself, why add to it? Food is bland, tea is lukewarm, sleep is fitful, and warm is never warm enough.
A bleak winter’s day with thin sun and glaring brightness is my reality. Nothing has colour and everything is too bright to be enjoyed. The trees are bare and the wind whistles enough to chill my bones. It is silent except for my trudging foot steps. I pass houses with warm light shining from festively decked windows and see smoke from what I imagine to be a warm fire inside. These houses are not for me. I have never been inside one, nor will I ever know the love and joy bottled within them.
My chest aches with the cold, the emptiness, and the loneliness. It is as familiar to me as my breath and the beat of my heart.
Despair.
Sorrow.
Hopelessness.
I used to long and now I find myself longing no more. I don’t want to find the energy to enjoy life. I’d rather fade away into this bleak winter’s day and never trouble the sunniness of a new year.
Maybe in another lifetime I’ll see colour again and find the warmth. That, too, seems daunting but it’s the only hope I cling to, the hope that lies in death. Hope that death will be kind to me as this life hasn’t been.
I’d like to fade away in sleep, though rest is something I never find at night. Perhaps that is the secret to the kindness of death. Dying instead of sleeping doesn’t feel so daunting after all.
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Hope this finds you well,
-L
If you or someone you know needs support right now, there is help available.
I hadn’t felt any sparkle in a very long time. Not the sparkle of joy, the sparkle of love, not even the sparkle of hope. No hope for the future, no hope for today, and certainly no hope for myself. My life has been awash in grey, different shades of grey, but still gloomy and monotone for so long. I can see joy and recognize it in others, I can see their sparkle and be envious of it, but try as I may I cannot generate that same sparkle in me. At least, until today.
You came with me to my appointment the other day, you came with me for blood work, and you came with me again today. You sat patiently by my side and prompted responses from me when needed. The doctor was terrible, and when she blindsided me by asking me to give myself a diagnosis, you were there. You sat as I haltingly stuttered the textbook symptoms of depression.
You see, I’ve lived with it so long I couldn’t identify them in myself anymore. I’m not sure I remember what it feels like to not be depressed and to not be living behind the invisible wall my mind has constructed. If I was handed a list of symptoms I’m sure I could pick out which ones I notice in my life but I’ve learned that they are just part of life for me. Not wanting to get out of bed and not having the energy for it is normal for me. Days go by where I realize I’ve been zombie walking through life without feeling a single thing. Nights where I’m up all night with maybe 2 hours of sleep are the norm. Needing caffeine to function during the day and alcohol to love myself in the evenings is just what I do. Negative self-talk is my inner monologue, there is no reprieve.
You sat me down after another night of being up late with me and you told me you were going to book an appointment with a doctor for me. You said that you would call, you would book the appointment, you would drive me there, and you would sit with me. You knew I wouldn’t if I had to do it myself, and you were right. And I am ever so grateful that you were.
You have that sparkle that I wish I could find in myself. It speaks of hard work and determination, it speaks of selflessness and a heart of gold, it speaks of love and laughter, and now it speaks of our friendship. You’ve been telling me over the last couple days how proud you are of me, how I deserve to get better, how life can be so much more, and how there is a future beyond this current struggle. I could see you shining.
Today after going again to the doctor and then to the pharmacy, I finally have the medication we’ve been working towards getting for me. I know I’ve taken it before. Part of me still believes that I don’t deserve to get better, but today I can feel a sparkle. It’s a small sparkle, I don’t think anybody can see it but me. It’s a sparkle of hope. It’s hope that maybe I can get better, that I can feel the love people are showing me; hope that I can laugh with others around me and truly take part of the joy.
So love, keep sparkling.
It’s starting to rub off on me, I can feel that I have hope to one day sparkle with you. Imagine how much good we could do and how bright our days would be. There are so many more sparkles for us to discover along the way. Today I’m settling for the sparkle of hope.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
PS: If anyone is having these feelings, please reach out. You don’t have to be alone. Find friends or family, or talk to the good people over at Random Acts
Sight Unseen 