Dear Me,
So you are in love, real love. You love reading, texting, kissing, and crying. You love your family, you hate your family, you love your boyfriend, you hate yourself. You have recently discovered the world of dating, drinking, partying, and sex. You have four best friends, two divorced parents, one dog, one grandma, one brother, one sister. You are a Christian full of inner conflict. You are depressed and are struggling with life. Here is what I wish you would have known, wish you could have heard, and wish I could have told you.
When you drink and go out and kiss other boys while holding D’s hand, I would have asked you if that was really how you wanted to treat those who love you. I would have told you that being a designated driver has so many more pros on its list than drinking does. You can enjoy those warm summer nights through a clear lens, you can enjoy the company of a crowd, you can remember everything you said and did come Monday morning, you can be happy and celebrate without alcohol. I would have told you that you are worth being happy and sober.
When you spend time with D and feel like he is your whole world, I would have told you that you’re not wrong. I would have reminded you that as much as you love him and as much as he is your sun on cloudy days, you have a life outside of him. Don’t leave behind parts of yourself just to be in love. I would have asked you if how you treated him made you proud, and if it did, then tell him and show him what he means to you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too young to know what love is, you’re not. I would have told you that you are worth being loved this much.
When you and D break up, I would have told you to be honest with him. I would have told you it’s okay to cry because if you don’t cry now, you’ll be crying for years. I would have told you it’s an all in or all out situation. Be together, or be apart. Being together, but apart didn’t work for you guys and it broke your heart over and over and over again. When you guys work on your long-distance relationship the most important thing is communication. Talk to him honestly, don’t use “I love you” to fill gaps in conversations.
When your mom hits you for the first time, know that it’s not your fault. I would have told you that she does love you and she will love you how she should later in life. I would have told you that you get to choose who you love and you are not responsible for the actions of others. You don’t deserve this, and this is not on your shoulders. You are right in not trusting her, you are a good judge of character.
When your dad tells you with venom in his words that you’re just like your mother after you stayed over to look after your drunk step-cousin, family in your eyes but suspicion in his, I would have told you that he’s projecting. I would have told you to wait it out and to stay. It’s okay to be hurt but realize that he’s not mad at you, not really.
When you feel like you have nobody in your corner, know that you do. Know that there are people who will go to bat for you. Know that your real friends will come later in life and they will make a world of difference- wait just one year and you’ll see. The world stretches beyond these two broken homes and beyond these two small towns.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
Sight Unseen 