Trigger warning: suicide, depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation
It’s hard walking the journey of life while suicidal. I generally refer to myself as being “passively suicidal” so as not to worry the ones I love but the thoughts are always there. I can be smiling at you or laughing at the story you’re telling me but still be thinking about the poem I want to be read at my funeral or which day of the week I’d like to die.
I had my first suicidal thought when I was 15 and have had them off and on ever since. I have many thoughts swirling around in my head at all times and one or more is always about my death. When will it be? Who will miss me the most? Where did I put my funeral planner? Did I remember to write down the latest version of my passwords? Is my house clean enough for people to come and pack up my things? What if I just walked in front of that car? Should I just jump off this overpass? Who do I want to connect with one last time before I go? These thoughts are there all the time. I dream about them, I wake up with them, I contemplate them through the day, and I fall asleep to them.
Nothing quiets my mind like planning my funeral. I have a planner filled with names of who I want to be contacted specifically and invited to my funeral. I have written my eulogy. I have the playlist I want to be played while people are coming in and leaving. I have the name of the funeral home and their contact information. I have my cremation plans and suggestions for my headstone. I have a letter written that I would like to have read at my funeral. I have suggestions for catering and for location. I have all of my banking information together, my student loan paperwork, and copies of my driver’s license and health card and etc. I don’t want to feel like a burden, even in death, and these choices can be overwhelming for others to make in the midst of grief.
I would love for people to be able to gather, to spend time missing me while being able to grieve in a safe space surrounded by people who are all feeling the same. I hope that my funeral is able to be streamed as I have far-away friends and for many, attending a funeral gives closure, which can be hard to come by in deaths by suicide. I hope that they can find the time to laugh and to reminisce while together, near or far. I hope they tell stories of me. I struggle with feeling loved and imagining my funeral makes me feel like I’d be loved and missed and that is why I cling to the planning.
The general assumption is that as kids grow into teenagers and teenagers mature into young adults, they will have imagined a future. In this future, they have an idea of their ideal career, ideal home, ideal partner, and ideal lifestyle. The classic “house with a white picket fence” dream. I have never planned a future for myself. I have spent my entire life hoping that I wouldn’t have one.
If you or someone you know needs support right now, there is help available.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Crisis Services Canada
Hope this finds you well,
-L
Note: I wrote this months ago. Since then my mental health has taken almost a complete 180 turn for the better. I have more good days than bad days. I can now say that it truly does get better.
Sight Unseen 