sight_unseen
The clouds come
Bleak as always.
The leaves drop,
The nights chill.
The coolness contagious,
Always calling to some part of me;
Begging me to join.
To exist in the cool, the grey, the bleak.
To forget the warmth of the sun
And the joy of living.
To drown in the changing seasons and to let them drag me under with them.
Will I let them?
Should I let them?
.
.
.
-L
I woke up today,
Mad at the trees for knowing when to change their colours;
For allowing the seasons to change.
Gone is their warm green splendour
Turned a golden autumn hue.
Cool nights, cooler mornings.
Hellos, goodbyes.
New beginnings, farewells.
The sweetness of summer replaced with the crispness of fall.
The seasons don’t mind readiness, they’ll come and go without us.
I wasn’t ready.
.
.
.
-L
The leaves start to fall,
It’s August.
The mornings are cool,
The winds are changing.
Blowing in fall crispness,
And another autumn in my heart.
Preparing for the end,
A beginning without you.
It feels impossible that the cool chill will come without the warmth of you in my life.
How did we get here?
Again.
Our own dreamland.
All good affairs must come to an end.
.
.
.
-L
What would it be to live without you?
At this point I don’t want to know.
My life was dark before I met you
And you were the brilliant sun.
Why would I even want to consider going without those sunny days,
though now they are few and far between.
Infusing me with warmth still to this day,
I live for those sunny days.
Dreadful though the following cloudy days may seem,
the momentary gleam is worth any darkness.
One day, perhaps the darkness won’t be so suffocating;
perhaps you won’t be the only ever-present sun.
Until then,
I don’t want to know.
.
.
.
Hope this finds you well,
-L.
I can’t wait for you anymore.
Not in dreams,
In sleeping,
Not at midnight.
Yet still, I will.
For you, I’d wait an eternity,
For our inevitability- forever.
You’re that missing piece of my soul so how could any wait be too long?
How could I not wait when you keep coming back to me?
I’ll be there.
I’ll meet you at midnight.
I’ll keep waiting.
.
.
.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
Here you are again,
Meeting me in dreams.
Dreams that try to blur reality
But the harshness of daylight takes no prisoners.
Meeting you in dreams,
Again,
Feels like finally being able to breathe;
Feels like the missing piece of my soul has clicked back into place.
It’s better than any high a drug could offer me.
It’s because I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved that boy, that you, that us.
Love that strong lingers and now spans decades.
Hopefully it reaches across dimensions and lifetimes to others where we stay together and the fates are kinder to us.
Dreaming you,
Again,
Is a sweet torture unlike any other.
Midnight texts from you feel similar.
Wishing, always wishing, that goodbye could have meant forever and that we wouldn’t have entered this limbo.
Wishing that reality wasn’t so harsh that my subconscious pulls you to me to soothe my ragged edges and give me comfort I find only in dreaming of you,
Again.
.
.
.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
I want to die again
Thanks, December.
The year weighing heavily on me;
The new one even heavier.
The sins of the past,
The mistakes of the future.
Digging myself out or digging myself under?
Time passing me by,
Life drifting on its way.
Here I stay,
No longer moving forward.
Always looking behind,
Stuck dreading ahead.
Trying to breathe through the fog I feel in my soul.
Maybe next December.
.
.
.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
If you are thinking of suicide there is help available. In Canada call 9-8-8.
Is it killing me quickly or killing me slowly?
Killing me,
Regardless.
Squeezing the air from my lungs,
Dulling all colours to grey;
Killing me.
How long can I go without breathing full breaths?
How much longer without a good night’s rest?
My soul slowly being dragged down to the dirt as the last of my breath leaves me.
Leaving only this ache in my chest,
Killing me.
.
.
.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
There are resources available if you are thinking of suicide or self harm : https://findahelpline.com
I feel like I’m living in a glass house; like everyone walking by me can see me falling apart, can see the hole in my chest, and can see how much of a wreck I am.
Because of you.
I can’t let people close to me, I can’t let them in.
They might take one look at my tired eyes and see right through me.
They might see all this pain,
This turmoil,
These crashing waves.
They might see it all.
The hopelessness of never seeing dawn again after this darkness.
The wishing, the waking, the wanting.
The waiting.
Waiting for this grief I live in to overwhelm me for good and to take me away,
Away from this glass house.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
I can feel this anxiety crashing through me
Like a tumultuous storm.
Pushing, pulling, raging
Through me.
Energy looking for an exit.
I can taste it on the back of tongue,
Acrid and thick like thunder and lightning.
Looking for an exit,
Building until it breaks me.
The waves rushing through me;
Tears from my eyes,
vomit from my mouth,
sobs from my soul.
Taking my breath away, the weight sitting on my chest.
Anxiety turned to panic and back again,
As the waves recede.
The seas remain unsettled and the clouds hang thickly, waiting to build again and
Storm
Through me.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
Sight Unseen 