Glass House

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I feel like I’m living in a glass house; like everyone walking by me can see me falling apart, can see the hole in my chest, and can see how much of a wreck I am.

Because of you.

I can’t let people close to me, I can’t let them in.

They might take one look at my tired eyes and see right through me.

They might see all this pain,

This turmoil,

These crashing waves.

They might see it all.

The hopelessness of never seeing dawn again after this darkness.

The wishing, the waking, the wanting.

The waiting.

Waiting for this grief I live in to overwhelm me for good and to take me away,

Away from this glass house.

Hope this finds you well, 

-L

Panic Attack / Through Me

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I can feel this anxiety crashing through me

Like a tumultuous storm.

Pushing, pulling, raging

Through me.

Energy looking for an exit.

I can taste it on the back of tongue,

Acrid and thick like thunder and lightning. 

Looking for an exit,

Building until it breaks me. 

The waves rushing through me;

Tears from my eyes, 

vomit from my mouth, 

sobs from my soul. 

Taking my breath away, the weight sitting on my chest.

Anxiety turned to panic and back again,

As the waves recede. 

The seas remain unsettled and the clouds hang thickly, waiting to build again and 

Storm

Through me. 

Hope this finds you well,

-L

Homesick

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Home to me was never a place,

Always a feeling.

I let you in and

Then

Home had a center again.

It had its own gravitational pull.

I wanted to be home all the time.

Without you in my life,

Except for one month out of the year,

Wanting to go home becomes excruciating.

I want to go home.

Since home became a person,

I’ve never truly had a home.

I still have yet to find one,

My mind and body still yearning for you;

For home.

Hope this finds you well,

-L

Dragging/Carrying

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Every September, here you come again.

Here to drag my heart around:

Down the roads we used to drive,

Through the fields we used to farm,

Over the couches we used to kiss on,

Around the sunlit days we used to fall in love.

Dragging.

Bruised and sore, but willing nonetheless.

Is it really dragging or

Perhaps pulling;

Carrying.

I’d follow you and memory lane anywhere.

Hope this finds you well,

-L

You Always Come Back to Me

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I made my therapist cry today; explaining how this makes me feel, even all these years later.

Like grieving a best friend’s passing and missing them like missing a part of you. Until one day the wound heals and you don’t miss them quite as much.

Then suddenly you get the opportunity to talk to them, to hear they’re okay.

I’ve never been able to turn down the opportunity.

Neither have you.

I don’t miss you ever as much as I miss you every September.

You always come back to me in the fall.

Hope this finds you well,

-L

Tired of Dreaming

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Even my tired brain stays awake to think of you. 

With you. 

Without you. 

What my life has been and what it could have been. 

Thinking of full moons and you. 

Awake and sleeping- dreaming. 

Always of you. 

Always in the fall. 

Wishing for and hating goodbye. 

I’m tired of this life, of you, of life without you. 

So tired of dreaming. 

Hope this finds you well,

-L

Dreaming You

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A dream I have every so often is a reunion with you.

We’re both 18.

It feels like we’ve found a spot where the film between lifetimes and dimensions is so thin that we’ve slipped through.

I look across to the passenger seat of my old car and there you are.

It feels like yesterday; your hug feels like it’s today. The ache I feel is gone and the piece missing from my soul has clicked back into place. I can breathe again. Never has any hug felt so good and I can’t imagine another one ever will.

Waking without you is either the most searing pain or like the calm after the storm. I never know which it’ll be and still I’d dream this dream one thousand times.

Maybe I already have.

Until the next lifetime, I’ll be seeing you; dreaming you.

Hope this finds you well,

-L

A Bleeding Heart

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The waves of missing you come steadily as ocean waves against the shore, every few heartbeats one belongs to you.

4,000 kilometres away and I still feel it.

“Happy birthday…”

And my heart bleeds again, always for you.

Crying between palm trees, turning thirty.

A decade apart and still we repeat the saga and maintain the tether.

Some part of us needs these waves.

I wish the ocean would keep its own salt water; it can take it off my face,

And that waves were only for water.

Hope this finds you well,

-L

Exchange

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I’d cut September out of the year like I’d cut this heart out of my chest and give it back to you.

I’m tired of aching.

Even one month is too long.

This missing and longing is nine years too late.

Waking,

Sleeping,

Dreaming,

Missing.

Take it away.

Take September, you can have it.

I’ve had plenty without you now but still my heart forgets this fact.

Let me have my heart back- it beats in your chest as this one does for you.

Let’s exchange hearts and you keep September.

Hope this finds you well,

-L