Fading

I can’t explain the feeling other than to say it feels like I’m dying. It feels like a process and it feels like I’m fading out of my own life. Everything seems like it should be goodbye.

In Pirates of the Caribbean they have the black spot.

In Harry Potter they have The Grimm.

You can choose your own omen of death.

Reality has a dark cloud.

I just have this feeling.

It feels inevitable. I expected it to feel suffocating and am almost surprised that it doesn’t.

It feels like I’m just going through the motions of living my life, which is nothing new to me.

At this new stage in my life, I assumed things would be better than this. I have an actual chance to live the life I want to. I have a degree, I have a nursing license, I’m living by myself, I have a steady income. However, these check boxes and milestones do not guarantee happiness. I assumed they’d bring me the feeling of security I’ve been looking for all my life.

I still feel like I’m just walking on the edge. Added to that now is the dying.

I wish this feeling would tell me how much time I have left. I can’t help but wonder if it’ll progress and then I’ll know.

It’s still May. June is close but July feels as though I won’t make it that far.

Maybe I’ll just be forever fading away.

Hope this finds you well,

-L