Lately

Lately I’ve been feeling discontented, disengaged, and discouraged. I’m impatient but lazy, tired but never sleepy, and calm but overwhelmed. My mind is a mind of conundrums and paradoxes. I feel so detached from everything, like I’m watching myself live my own life.

I feel cold all the time, disinterested, and detached. I feel as though there is nothing connecting me to anything or to anyone.

I know they said freedom would come after finishing a degree but I’m not sure that this is what they meant.

Every night I go to bed because I’ve spent all day trying to feel more awake. I struggle to fall asleep, I lay awake for hours, I sleep fitfully and dream vividly, and wake up just as tired as I was when I went to sleep. The saga continues night after night.

During the days, I search for comfort and connection; I pet kittens and drink warm tea, I listen to good music and spend time creating.

It’s like I’m feeling everything at once but nothing at all. I’ve spent so much of my life wishing I was dead, but now I’m wishing I was alive.

Lately, I’ve been feeling lifeless while living.

Hope this find you well,

-L