I hadn’t felt any sparkle in a very long time. Not the sparkle of joy, the sparkle of love, not even the sparkle of hope. No hope for the future, no hope for today, and certainly no hope for myself. My life has been awash in grey, different shades of grey, but still gloomy and monotone for so long. I can see joy and recognize it in others, I can see their sparkle and be envious of it, but try as I may I cannot generate that same sparkle in me. At least, until today.
You came with me to my appointment the other day, you came with me for blood work, and you came with me again today. You sat patiently by my side and prompted responses from me when needed. The doctor was terrible, and when she blindsided me by asking me to give myself a diagnosis, you were there. You sat as I haltingly stuttered the textbook symptoms of depression.
You see, I’ve lived with it so long I couldn’t identify them in myself anymore. I’m not sure I remember what it feels like to not be depressed and to not be living behind the invisible wall my mind has constructed. If I was handed a list of symptoms I’m sure I could pick out which ones I notice in my life but I’ve learned that they are just part of life for me. Not wanting to get out of bed and not having the energy for it is normal for me. Days go by where I realize I’ve been zombie walking through life without feeling a single thing. Nights where I’m up all night with maybe 2 hours of sleep are the norm. Needing caffeine to function during the day and alcohol to love myself in the evenings is just what I do. Negative self-talk is my inner monologue, there is no reprieve.
You sat me down after another night of being up late with me and you told me you were going to book an appointment with a doctor for me. You said that you would call, you would book the appointment, you would drive me there, and you would sit with me. You knew I wouldn’t if I had to do it myself, and you were right. And I am ever so grateful that you were.
You have that sparkle that I wish I could find in myself. It speaks of hard work and determination, it speaks of selflessness and a heart of gold, it speaks of love and laughter, and now it speaks of our friendship. You’ve been telling me over the last couple days how proud you are of me, how I deserve to get better, how life can be so much more, and how there is a future beyond this current struggle. I could see you shining.
Today after going again to the doctor and then to the pharmacy, I finally have the medication we’ve been working towards getting for me. I know I’ve taken it before. Part of me still believes that I don’t deserve to get better, but today I can feel a sparkle. It’s a small sparkle, I don’t think anybody can see it but me. It’s a sparkle of hope. It’s hope that maybe I can get better, that I can feel the love people are showing me; hope that I can laugh with others around me and truly take part of the joy.
So love, keep sparkling.
It’s starting to rub off on me, I can feel that I have hope to one day sparkle with you. Imagine how much good we could do and how bright our days would be. There are so many more sparkles for us to discover along the way. Today I’m settling for the sparkle of hope.
Hope this finds you well,
-L
PS: If anyone is having these feelings, please reach out. You don’t have to be alone. Find friends or family, or talk to the good people over at Random Acts
Sight Unseen 